Assuming Howard Dean, Dennis Kucinich, Carol Moseley-Braun, or Al Sharpton is the Democratic nominee:

• If I’m living somewhere my vote has even a marginal chance of being pivotal: George W. Bush (but only after drinking myself into a stupor).
• If I’m not: whoever the Libertarians put up.

Otherwise:

• Whoever the Libertarians put up. I’m sitting it out if it’s a race between two statist ninnies who at least aren’t going to get us nuked. (Yes, whoever the Libs put up probably would get us nuked. But this is a protest vote. Plus, I won’t have any moral guilt if the guy who wins actually does, in John “F” Kerry’s immortal phrase, “fuck things up.“)

In other words, I will only vote strategically if, as seems likely, the lunatic fringe captures the Democratic nomination. I generally prefer my lunatics to be the warmongering types who strike the fear of God into terrorists and their sympathizers, rather than the touchy-feely types who inexplicably made it through med school (which reminds me—I just busted my ass for five years to get to be called “doctor.” $20 says Dean didn’t write a fucking paragraph to get his M.D., yet the damn AP will call him “doctor” but me—nu-huh. Wassup with that?).

How I plan to vote in subsequent races:

• 2008: Condi.
• 2012: Condi.
• 2016: Ah-nold.
• 2020: Ah-nold.
• 2024: Chelsea.

Now I can retire from blogging! Woo-hoo! Peace out. Now excuse me while I watch Ron Moore’s Battlestar Galactica.

I’m kidding, I think.